Take Away Horoscopes, No Utensils, 09/12
Welcome to today’s Take Away Horoscopes, where the stars are drunk, the planets are gossiping, and your emotions are riding shotgun, singing off-key. Never let… Read More
horoscopes
Hidden Meanings in Today’s Horoscopes, 09/11
♈ Aries The stars have misplaced your common sense behind a vending machine filled with mixed metaphors. In today’s horoscopes you will be inspired to… Read More
Dystopian and Dynamic Horoscopes
(Horoscopes transmitted via the Orbital Bureau of Predictive Malaise) â™ðŸª VIRGO Your biometric signature is trending. Unfortunately, in today’s dynamic horoscopes it is trending in… Read More
Horoscopes for Hipsters
Today’s horoscopes for hipsters are less “celestial wisdom” and more “cosmic prank call.” The stars are drunk, the moon is off its meds, and every… Read More
Horoscopes Bottoms Up, 09/07
Aries – Tequila SunriseAries is the human equivalent of a 2 a.m. text that says “I have an idea.” The Tequila Sunrise suits them perfectly:… Read More
"Today’s you, yesterday’s you, and undercover-cake-thief you walk into a timeline. Guess who eats the evidence?"
Horoscopes for the Chronically Unhinged, 09/06
(Because the chronically unhinged enjoy a good punchline.) Aries – The Hot”‘Headed FirecrackerYour boundless energy will find a worthy opponent: a stubborn office printer that… Read More
"When you realize the vending machine is winning the argument — and charging you rent for the chips."
Hopeless Horoscopes
♈ Aries – The Impulsive Firecracker … Today the universe will finally notice how loudly you are shouting, even indoors. Expect a minor catastrophe–like spilling… Read More
"Virgo’s signature scent: Sterile Chic — because nothing says ‘calm down’ like lavender, antiseptic mist, and a freshly sharpened pencil."
Scented Horoscopes That Mask Your Mistakes
Today’s scented horoscopes reek of destiny–literally. Each zodiac sign is paired with its own signature bespoke cologne, brewed from suspiciously specific ingredients and meant to… Read More