Paris Hilton Archives - Page 6 of 8 - Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

MD

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

RC

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

NV

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

Mariah Carey to Tom Cruise, 2005 Bytes

philmaggitti Britney Spears, celebrity shockers, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Tom Cruise 20 years

Not for nothing did Marah release an album this year entitled If You Didn’t Laugh, You’d Cry. It was that kind of year, people, a… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Tara Reid Breast Implants Threaten Her Life

Biff Scuzzy Paris Hilton 20 years

MIAMI – Tara Reid, the once promising star of American Pie, is rumored to be at risk for Soy Oil Lachrymosis (SOL), a potentially life… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Britney Spears Tops Yahoo Buzz Again

Biff Scuzzy Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton 20 years

LOS ANGELES – For the third time in four years, Britney Spears owns the most searched-for name on the Internet, according to Yahoo’s Buzz Index… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Paris Hilton’s High Colonic Adventure, An Inside Look

philmaggitti Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton 20 years

LOS ANGELES – Paris Hilton is about to appear nearly naked in a television commercial once again. This time, however, instead of doing a lap… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Kimberly Stewart Dumps That Laguna Beach Guy

Chip Hilton Paris Hilton 20 years

HOLLYWOOD – Celebrity daughter Kimberly Stewart has ended her eleven-day engagement to Laguna Beach star Talan Torriero. The announcement, which came just hours after Stewart had learned… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Lindsay Lohan Dumps Coke for D.A.R.E.

Chip Hilton Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton 20 years

HOLLYWOOD – Having returned from the brink of ninety-eight-pound extinction, Lindsay Lohan has agreed to do a public service announcement for D.A.R.E. (Drug Abuse Resistance… Read More

Tara Reid Still Celebrating Birthday

philmaggitti Paris Hilton 20 years

LOS ANGELES – Tara Reid, who turned thirty yesterday, is still toasting the occasion. Reid’s marathon birthday party, which began around sundown Monday, was in… Read More

Terrell Owens Suspended by Monday Night Football

philmaggitti football, Paris Hilton 20 years

NEW YORK – Monday Night Football has suspended Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens indefinitely for conduct detrimental to its commercials. Owens, who appeared in… Read More

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.