Paris Hilton Archives - Page 5 of 8 - Postcards from The Pug Bus

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

MD

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

RC

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

NV

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

Celebrity Shockers

Jessica Alba Demands Playboy Insert Nude Photos

Chip Hilton Paris Hilton, trump 20 years

LOS ANGELES – Film star Jessica Alba demanded that Playboy magazine pull its March issue and insert nude photos of her or else face a lawsuit. The… Read More

Paris Hilton Birthday Horoscope

philmaggitti Paris Hilton 20 years

Paris Hilton celebrates her 25th birthday today. Her party was spoiled by an incident in London that eerily predicted the following horoscope from Pugnacious. “You… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Paris Hilton Bilked by Nigerian Internet Scam

T.J. Eckleburg Paris Hilton 20 years

HOLLYWOOD – Celebutant Paris Hilton has appeared before a grand jury again, this time to testify that she was bilked by a man calling himself… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Tom Cruise Nixes Katie Holmes Love Scene

philmaggitti celebrity shockers, Paris Hilton, Tom Cruise 20 years

PARK CITY, Utah – Tom Cruise put the scissors down on his fiance Katie Holmes’ steamy love scene in Jason Reitman’s Thank You for Smoking, a… Read More

President Bush Uses Paparazzi for Domestic Spying

philmaggitti Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton 20 years

Nearly one out of three respondents to the latest Postcards from the Pug Bus poll believe members of the paparazzi are engaged in domestic spying… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Paris Hilton Denies Drunken Urination Charge

Chip Hilton Paris Hilton 20 years

Spokespersons for Paris Hilton claim that the controversial celebutant will be “wholly and entirely exonerated” of allegations that she was drunk when she urinated in… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Colin Farrell Censored Website Photo, Exclusive

Chip Hilton Paris Hilton 20 years

LOS ANGELES – Colin Farrell’s latest attempt to stop the world from seeing the sex video he made with his former girlfriend Nicole Narain two… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Angelina Jolie Revelation Tops New Year Predictions

Chip Hilton Britney Spears, Paris Hilton 20 years

Angelina Jolie’s shocking admission that Robert DeNiro is the biological father of her “adopted” son, Maddox, tops the First Annual Pug Bus New Year Predictions.… Read More

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.