Biff Scuzzy – Page 3 – postcards from the pug bus

UConn Women a Huge Bust in the Neilsen Ratings

Biff Scuzzy 255 Views 2 min read

DAYTON, Ohio – The University of Connecticut’s women’s basketball team might be the best women’s team ever assembled, but their Neilsen ratings suck. According to the Nielsen overnights for the UConn-Florida State game last night—which … Read on

Music

Lil’ Wayne Sentencing Postponed for Hemorrhoid Surgery

Biff Scuzzy 260 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK – Once again an attorney for Lil’ Wayne has requested a postponement of the rapscallion’s jail sentencing for attempted gun possession. The sentencing had been scheduled originally for last month, but Judge Charles … Read on

Sporting Life

Ben Roethlisberger Fondles the Snapper

Biff Scuzzy 230 Views 2 min read

MILLEDGEVILLE, Ga. – A twenty-year-old college student has accused Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger of sexually assaulting her at a nightclub early Friday morning. The student, whose name is being withheld by authorities, alleges that … Read on

Celebrities

Kirstie Alley Pimps Organic Scientology Diet on Oprah

Biff Scuzzy 199 Views 2 min read

HOLLYWOOD – Professional fat woman Kirstie Alley has emerged from the den where she hibernates with her bratwurst during the winter. Ms. Alley hauled her sagging, cellulite-ridden, 230-pound ass onto the Oprah show last week … Read on

Sporting Life

New Orleans Saints Fans Angry Following Super Bowl Win

Biff Scuzzy 261 Views 2 min read

NEW ORLEANS – The New Orleans Saints’ victory parade was rained on by Las Vegas odds makers, who installed the Indianapolis Colts as 13:2 favorites to win next year’s Super Bowl. What’s more, the San … Read on

Celebrities

Angelina Jolie Taking Toll on Brad Pitt

Biff Scuzzy 251 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – Brad Pitt’s friends are worried that his relationship with Angelina Jolie is taking a fearsome toll on the once boyishly handsome actor. They claim that Mr. Pitt, who looked forty-one going on … Read on

Culture

Food Network Announces Iron Chef Cannibalism Series

Biff Scuzzy 259 Views 1 min read

NEW YORK – Despite the success of the The Next Iron Chef last year, the Food Network is in danger of being pushed to near-campy irrelevance—the worst kind of irrelevance there is— by the Travel … Read on

Sporting Life

Mark McGwire Admits to Using Prayer to Gain Competitive Edge

Biff Scuzzy 271 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – During a fifty-minute interview with Bob Costas on the MLB Network yesterday, former St. Louis Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire confessed tearfully that he had turned to prayer in order to treat injuries … Read on

News

There’s Trouble in The Dog Whisperer’s Paradise

Biff Scuzzy 253 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES, Calif. – Who doesn’t love Cesar Millan? The munchkin figure, the sun-god smile, the cute, spikey hair, those preternaturally white teeth, that funny ogg-sent. He trains people; he rehabilitates dogs; he’s stinking … Read on

News

NuvaRing Launches New Marketing Campaign

Biff Scuzzy 270 Views 3 min read

WHITEHOUSE STATION, N.J.- NuvaRing, the world’s largest round contraceptive device, has seen its image go pear shaped owing to a dungstorm of lawsuits filed on behalf of persons who have died or who have otherwise … Read on

News

President Obama Plans Portuguese Water Dog Bailout

Biff Scuzzy 248 Views 2 min read

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Having asked Congress for three trillion dollars to bail out banks, mortgage scofflaws, the educational system, health care, and the Recording Industry Association of America, President Barack Obama is poised to announce … Read on

Technology

Mobile Phone Virus Threatens United States

Biff Scuzzy 266 Views 3 min read

SAN FRANCISCO – Cabir, the first in-the-wild mobile phone virus discovered in the United States, is set to wreak havoc on the lives of teen-agers, SUV drivers, and text-messaging office workers across the land.

Appearing … Read on

News

Porsche Denies Plans to Release Nikki Catsouras Model

Biff Scuzzy 245 Views 2 min read

ATLANTA – A spokesman for Porsche Cars North America denies that his company has “any plans whatsoever” to introduce a limited edition Nikki Catsouras 911 Carrera model.

“This [rumor] is vile and detestable,” said Dieter … Read on

Celebrities

Clay Aiken Birthday Quiz, Exclusive

Biff Scuzzy 235 Views 3 min read

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Clay Aiken, who rode a second-place finish on American Idol and a don’t-ask-don’t-tell sexuality to fame, fortune, and speculation, is twenty-nine today. The artist formerly known as Clayton Holmes Grissom will … Read on

Sporting Life

McNabb Out of Patriots Game, Spread Falls to Sixteen

Biff Scuzzy 231 Views 1 min read

PHILADELPHIA – Las Vegas oddsmakers have reacted to the news that Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb will miss tomorrow night’s game against the undefeated New England patriots by dropping the spread on the game from … Read on