Happy Horoscopes for End Times and Beyond
The stars have been doing bong hits again, and somebody is texting you at 2 a.m. with predictions no sane person would take seriously. Your… Read More
horoscopes
Cosmic Whiplash: Horoscopes for the Terminally Self-Aware
♈ AriesYou wake up convinced your toaster is judging you. It is. It will exact vengeance via burnt bagels. Avoid eye contact with crossing guards.… Read More
Double Horoscopes: The Cosmic Split Infinitive
The cosmos, like your ex’s apology, always comes in two flavors: suspiciously sweet and suspiciously timed. Thus, we present the Double Horoscopes format today: one… Read More
Lonely Hearts Horoscopes for One
Looking at love through the cracked mirror of the cosmos, scored to a mixtape of desperate jukebox hits and celestial indifference. Here comes the full… Read More
Imaginary Horoscopes for Real People
The stars have been raw dogging again, and their output today–Imaginary Horoscopes for Real People–resembles that of a malfunctioning AI with an astrology fetish and… Read More
Backward Horoscopes We Didn’t See Coming
Fellow babies: buckle up for the collapse of linear time and all that it implies. There go the Backward Horoscopes We Didn’t See Coming. Catch… Read More
Offbeat Horoscopes That Refuse to Behave
Offbeat horoscopes for seekers who do not need cosmic hugs or fortune-cookie wisdom. Fresh, sly, and occasionally useful, like gossip from the stars that almost… Read More
Her Majesty’s Satanic Horoscopes™
Welcome, doomed disciples of the astral abyss. Her Majesty has consulted the infernal tea leaves, cross-referenced them with yak entrails, and summoned a fresh heap… Read More