President Trump Grants Emergency Sick Days to COVID-19 Victims
WASHINGTON, D.C.–President Trump is expected to sign a presidential order intended to alleviate the suffering of COVID-19 victims in the battered Dakotas region. Hurrying into… Read More
News
Current events filtered through our jaundiced worldview. By the time you read this, everything is already worse. We report what happened, add contempt, and call it a service. The truth hurts; we just twist the knife.
Biden Vows to Investigate Alarming Rise in GPS Malfunctions
WASHINGTON, D.C.–President-elect Joseph R. Biden announced yesterday that “on Day One” he would ask the Department of Homeland Security to investigate an alarming rise in… Read More
NSA Blames Vague Terror Warning on Inability to Decode Pig Latin
WASHINGTON, D.C.–An unnamed official with the National Security Agency (NSA) said that the organization’s recent vague terror warning–”We are positive that somebody, somewhere is planning… Read More
Math, Gravity, and Speed Limits Reek of White Supremacy
WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–Brooklyn College Professor of Math Education Laurie Rubel proclaimed recently on Twitter that the mathematical equation 2+2=4 “reeks of white supremacist patriarchy.… Read More
CFA Says Tiger Is Most Popular Cat Password
ALLIANCE, OH–According to The Cat Fanciers’ Association (CFA), the world’s largest registry of pedigreed cats, the cat name used most frequently as a computer password… Read More
New Study Suggests That Obesity Is Weighing Down the Human Soul
A new study published in Applied Psychological Measurement suggests that the obesity epidemic has begun to make quantifiable inroads on the human soul. The study,… Read More
West Chester University Student Wins Grammar Grump’s Crappy Writing Award
In today’s lesson, boys and girls, the Grammar Grump will attempt to teach you how not to write like an Arschloch. The best way to do… Read More
New Sex Drug Stops Premature Ejaculation
SAN ANTONIO – Johnson & Johnson, makers of No More Tears, electrified the proceedings of the American Urological Association yesterday by announcing the development of… Read More