Celebrity Shockers | Outrageous Celebrity Moments, Arrests & Meltdowns

Postcards from The Pug Bus

Lifting a satirical leg on popular culture

Persons in the Ether

Question of the Week

Passion or stability?

Mavis Drouk, emotional escrow officer

Believed to be near Harrisburg, PA

Stability. Passion is what people choose when they still believe a staircase can be made entirely of sparks. Stability may not sing outside your window, but it does remember where the insurance cards are.

Rufus Clenn, freelance thunder consultant

Last reported west of Tulsa, OK

Passion, obviously. Stability is just boredom wearing shoes with arch support. I want life to arrive late, smell faintly of lightning, and explain nothing until several lamps have been broken.

Nora Vell, deputy curator of small regrets

Possibly sheltering in Eugene, OR

Passion is useful for beginnings, stability for the paperwork afterward. I prefer both in moderation, which is another way of saying I would like to be ruined briefly and then driven home safely.

Celebrity Shockers

Will Katie Holmes See Her Thetan on Groundhog Day?

philmaggitti 19 years

BEVERLY HILLS – Tomorrow morning at six o’clock Katie Holmes will emerge from her bunker in Tom Cruise’ mansion in Beverly Hills. Wearing only a… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Jessica Simpson Flubs John Mayer Lyrics at Concert

philmaggitti 19 years

MIAMI – Poor Jessica Simpson. Language just doesn’t seem to be her strong suit. The Employee of the Month star was dancing in the wings at a… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Jennifer Aniston Settles Lawsuit with Mrs. Coffee

Chip Hilton 19 years

LOS ANGELES – Former Friends star Jennifer Aniston has settled a multimillion-dollar lawsuit filed against her by Mrs. Coffee, wife of the popular coffee-making icon Mr. Coffee.… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Brad Pitt Furious over Oscar Snub for Babel

Biff Scuzzy 19 years

Brad Pitt, whose gritty performance carried the tiresome, over long Babel to seven Oscar nominations, including best direction by a Mexican who once worked as a disk… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Paula Abdul Suffering from Rare Disease

philmaggitti 19 years

LOS ANGELES – Paula Abdul, who is behaving queerly again during televised interviews, suffers from a rare disease that frequently makes her look and act… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Angelina Jolie Taking Toll on Brad Pitt

Chip Hilton 19 years

LOS ANGELES – Brad Pitt’s few remaining friends in show business are worried that his relationship with Angelina Jolie is taking a fearsome toll on… Read More

Comic-style illustration of Lindsay Lohan with flowing auburn hair and confident smile, created for a satirical story about her rehab for remedial English.

Celebrity Shockers

Lindsay Lohan Enters Rehab for Remedial English

philmaggitti celebrity shockers, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, rehab 19 years

LOS ANGELES – Lindsay Lohan, whose grammar-challenged BlackBerry messages had all of Hollywood wondering if English was her first language, checked herself into a remedial… Read More

Celebrity Shockers

Jessica Simpson Wants to Adopt a Pillow Angel

philmaggitti 19 years

LOS ANGELES – Jessica Simpson read the news today, oh boy, and now the singer-actress wants to adopt a pillow angel. Ms. Simpson had been… Read More

The Pug Bus Breaking News

The Pug Bus Breaking News requires no email address, no mother's maiden name, no first pet's nickname, and no DNA sample. You simply mash the link below and read.

Deliver It

⚡ Scholars at the Royal Institute for the Advancement of Obvious Things have concluded, after eleven years of exhaustive inquiry, that people who speak at great length in meetings do not thereby become more correct. The findings have been submitted to a committee for review.

⚡ It has been determined by authorities in several jurisdictions that the phrase "I just want to be honest with you" reliably precedes the portion of the conversation one would most prefer not to have. Legislation is pending.

⚡ The Bureau of Perpetual Reassessment has announced that this is not, in fact, the most divided the nation has ever been, a distinction that continues to belong to a prior era when the disagreements concerned rather more consequential matters and people occasionally died over them.

Adverse Effects

The following lines of prose cleverly arranged as poetry may induce brief clarity, misplaced certainty, and the sense that something has already been decided without your approval ...

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

Read It All

By seventy you know which doors you walked past without opening,
can name the rooms you never entered,
hear the echoes anyway.

The years do not accuse.
They simply pile up like newspapers you meant to read,
each one carrying news that is no longer news.

You think: I should have said that differently.
I should have stayed. I should have gone.
The mind is efficient this way,
filing the same cases under the same wrong headings,
finding them again at 3 a.m. in perfect order.

What surprises is not the weight of it
but the patience —
how regret waits,
how it has nowhere else to be,
how it sits across from you at breakfast
and asks for nothing,
knowing you will offer it everything
on your own.

The body slows.
The catalog does not.
You carry the unlived lives
the way old houses carry
the smell of people who are gone —
not haunting exactly,
just present,
just there,
just refusing
the simple courtesy
of leaving.