In its rollout of the iPhone 12, Apple seems to have saved one of the most revolutionary features of its gear new phone for last: the Fecal Finder™ app, which can detect fecal material as small as one part per one hundred millionth on any iPhone 12. “That’s like being able to detect fly shit Read More
BENTONVILLE, Ark. – Wal-Mart will no longer sell Chinese toothpaste in its United States outlets. The global retail giant announced yesterday that it was taking this step after receiving numerous complaints from its American customers. “You’ve heard that old joke about Chinese food?” asked Wal-Mart’s executive vice president of oral hygiene, Champ Myers. “The one Read More
WINGHAM, Near Sandwich, Kent, Next to Blasingstone-on-Avon England—A potentially embarrassing iPhone 10 video in which Paul McCartney is seen attempting to buy marijuana in the rural village of Wingham, Kent, is in the sweaty hands of local authorities. Those of you who haven’t vaped your brains out completely yet may recall a typically vain announcement, Read More
WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–Karma, the law of moral causation, was invented more than 2,500 years ago in Northern India to answer troubling questions about the inequalities of life. People wanted to know, for example, why one person had separate houses for his family and his animals while another person shared his bed and sometimes his wife Read More
The true conservative does not like anything to happen that has not happened before. He prefers old dogs, old friends, old whiskey, and old songs…old words, too…and he’s apt to become shirty when old words get surrounded by crime scene tape strung up by the low priests of political correctness and woke-fucking-culture. Such is the Read More
WEST GOSHEN TWP, PA—Last Wednesday afternoon a mob of Trump supporters, many of them armed, was roaming about the Senate floor and the Capitol Rotunda looking for souvenirs and a spot of bother, having recently stormed past “security” guards and police on the east and west sides of the building. The mob was met with armed if Read More
WEST GOSHEN TWP, PA—Everyone, it seems, has an opinion regarding a president’s authority to pardon himself for wrong doings of a pardonable sort. Ever the contrarians, we do not have an opinion in this regard. Lucky you. We do, nevertheless, believe that pardons, by whomever they are issued, resemble charity: they ought to begin and Read More
WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump is expected to sign a presidential order intended to alleviate the suffering of COVID-19 victims in the battered Dakotas region. Hurrying into the White House, wearing a defiant yellow slicker on his return from a golf outing yesterday afternoon, the president announced he would authorize that “up to ten additional days of Read More
WEST CHESTER, PA—The Killer Kwanzaa app, offered free through the Black Lives Matter (BLM) website, is suspected of forcing its way onto the tablets, mobile phones, and computers of selected persons who visit the BLM site—whether they want the app or not. This scorched-app strategy is similar Microsoft’s hyper-aggressive rollout of Windows 10 last year Read More
WEST GOSHEN TWP, PA—A gay, British, former friend of mine who was active in the animal rights movement … and, some whispered, active in the animal rights “underground” too … hated Whoopi Goldberg. Absolutely hated, despised, shat-upon-spat-upon hatred. Hated her so much that he stooped to hurling an ethnic slur at Whoopi. Yep. He called Read More
WEST CHESTER, Pa. – Saint Theneva of Glasgow was a British princess who enjoyed the horizontal sports from an early age. Her fondness for frolic was something of an embarrassment to her father, Lord Seefeth, who was planning to invade England and sought the favor of god in that enterprise. Discovering that Theneva had conceived Read More
I hope you boys and girls have been wearing your masks and practicing social distancing. Remember, good masks make good neighbors,and anyone who gets within six feet of you is trying to sell you something. While you’re staying quietly in your rooms, here’s a quiz to keep you amused. C’mon, you can’t look at porn Read More
WASHINGTON, D.C.—President-elect Joseph R. Biden announced yesterday that “on Day One” he would ask the Department of Homeland Security to investigate an alarming rise in GPS malfunctions. Although he stopped short of suggesting a link between terrorists and the rash of travelers who wound up as many as five hundred miles off course after following Read More
WEST GOSHEN TWP, PA—That disgusting, little fat-shit Van Morrison, all of 5’5″ in his high-heeled boots, is the Ass Hat of the Moment for September 27. At one time a snot-flinging, curb-biting drunk, Morrison is still such a cunt that he won’t allow people to drink at his “concerts” now that he doesn’t. That is Read More
WASHINGTON, D.C.–An unnamed official with the National Security Agency (NSA) said that the organization’s recent vague terror warning—”We are positive that somebody, somewhere is planning something against the United Stares at some point in the future”—is an “unavoidable function” of the NSA’s “current systemic inability” to decode spoken Pig Latin. “We have the capability of Read More
