February 2007 – postcards from the pug bus

Jesus’ Tomb Proves He Was Not Gay, Says James Cameron

philmaggitti 177 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – Oscar-winning director James Cameron believes that inscriptions on the tombs of the J.H. Christ family “should settle once and for all” any lingering questions about Jesus’ sexuality.

Mr. Cameron is the producer … Read on

Music

Angelina Jolie Accepts Oscar for Klaus Harmony

Chip Hilton 186 Views 3 min read

LOS ANGELES – Angelina Jolie lent a much needed touch of spice to last night’s Oscar awards snooze fest. The thirty-one-year-old Tomb Raider star brought the audience out of its slumber when she appeared late … Read on

Celebrities

Britney Spears Quits Rehab, May Flee to Namibia

Chip Hilton 191 Views 3 min read

MALIBU – Britney Spears completed another successful one-day stint in rehab yesterday. After spending a restful night in the Christian Slater suite at Promises-by-the-Sea, chatting with friends on her cell phone and ordering in pizza, … Read on

Culture

Other Numbers Critical of The Number 23

philmaggitti 213 Views 3 min read

NEW YORK – The approaching release of The Number 23, starring Jim Carey and Virginia Madsen, has created a furor in the ranks of the normally staid numerical community. The advance publicity for this … Read on

Celebrities

Britney Spears Explains Why She Shaved Her Head

Chip Hilton 193 Views 2 min read

MALIBU – Britney Spears is hell bent on becoming the Caucasian answer to Mike Tyson. Just as Iron Mike took a sledge hammer to his boxing career, reducing himself from puncher to punch line, Ms. … Read on

Celebrities

First Anna Nicole Smith Sightings Reported

Biff Scuzzy 194 Views 3 min read

HOLLYWOOD, Fla. – Anna Nicole Smith was spotted by a grieving fan at a local convenience store early this morning. Ms. Smith, who died on February 8 at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino … Read on

Celebrities

Anna Nicole Smith Rejected at Heavenly Gate

philmaggitti 184 Views 3 min read

NORTH POLE – An emergency Council of Supreme Beings session determined yesterday that the soul of recently departed celebrity Anna Nicole Smith had failed to qualify for an eternal reward. According to a source present … Read on

Music

Dixie Chicks Sweep Grammies, Ban Country Music Stations

philmaggitti 165 Views 2 min read

LOS ANGELES – After sweeping the top three categories at the 49th annual Grammy Awards last night, the Dixie Chicks announced they would “sue the ass off” any country music radio station that reversed a … Read on

News

Harvard to Name First Gay Female Impersonator President

philmaggitti 203 Views 2 min read

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. – Harvard is expected to name its first gay female impersonator president today in an historic outreach that MoveOn.org has called “a three bagger for diversity.” Harvard, the nation’s oldest university, has never … Read on

Celebrities

Anna Nicole Smith Dies, O.J. Simpson Plans Book

Chip Hilton 205 Views 3 min read

HOLLYWOOD, Fla. – Anna Nicole Smith was found “unresponsive” by her private nurse in a Florida hotel room on Thursday. The thirty-nine-year-old celebrity was taken to a hospital where she later died. O.J. Simpson does … Read on

Music

Jessica Simpson Split with Nick Lachey Fueled by Klaus Harmony

Chip Hilton 202 Views 2 min read

NEW YORK – Jessica Simpson told Elle magazine that the music of German composer Klaus Harmony was “the tripping point” in her relationship with her ex-husband Nick Lachey. In an interview that appears in the … Read on

Celebrities

Ryan O’Neal Attacks Son over Mac Ads

Biff Scuzzy 198 Views 2 min read

MALIBU – Ryan O’Neal allegedly threatened his son, Griffin, 42, following a dispute concerning the ads for Mac computers that portray PC users as hopeless dorks. The elder O’Neal, 65, was subsequently arrested on suspicion … Read on

Religion

God Scorns Windows Vista, Sues Microsoft

Biff Scuzzy 193 Views 3 min read

HEAVEN – Windows Vista, Microsoft’s controversial new operating system, has incurred the wrath of God. The Supreme Power User, operating through his purchasing agent, the Holy Spirit, was one of the first to buy Vista … Read on

Celebrities

Will Katie Holmes See Her Thetan on Groundhog Day?

philmaggitti 175 Views 3 min read

BEVERLY HILLS – Tomorrow morning at six o’clock Katie Holmes will emerge from her bunker in Tom Cruise’ mansion in Beverly Hills. Wearing only a full-length body stocking and unaccompanied for the moment by Posh … Read on